I know this might come as some sort of shock to you but, I’m not going to complain about anything today in this blog post. Actually I’m going to do the exact opposite. I am dedicating this blog post to Olivia Newton John’s bum. Yes, Olivia Newton John’s bum people… ONJ’s bum. The 8th wonder of the modern world.
Olivia’s bum is magical. It’s small, it’s muscular, it has a nice jiggle to it. It looks nice in tight shiny pants. Yes, I think besides Kate Moss, ONJ is the only other human woman that is allowed to wear leggings as pants in my book. When Olivia Newton John’s bum farts, it probably smells like honeysuckle and creates a cloud of mist that makes everyone feel pleasant about “things.” When ONJ’s bum makes a poo, it is the color of moonlight and has glitter imbedded in it and it is used to fertilize the spots in the ground where rainbows come out of. If tested, ONJ’s bum probably contains the cure for cancer. If America sent a slew of photos of ONJ’s bum into battle instead of guns and tanks, we could end the war on terror and there would be world peace. Much like how watching that video of a baby panda sneezing and scaring it’s mother* is impossible to watch without laughing, people are defenseless against the awesome power of ONJ’s bum. Behold!!!!
Now how the hell are you gonna argue that that isn’t the greatest bum that ever walked the face of the earth?! I mean, look at it. It’s PERFECT. It’s like vanilla ice cream melted over two slices of apple pie.
Of course there’s more to Olivia than just a pretty bum. There are so many other parts of ONJ to love. Her voice, which is so effortlessly beautiful it reminds one of a cool lilac scented breeze on a hot sunny day. Her face, which looks as if it could be carved out of porcelain, and still maintained this lovely girlish innocence, no matter how much 80’s frosted makeup they caked onto it. Her hair, which was the envy of most girls with thin blah hair, because her bangs were always PERFECT no matter how breezy it was or how sweaty she was getting from dancing. Her personality… I mean she’s like one of the nicest people that ever walked the earth. Every interview with her shows her as this genuine, warm, humble person, I mean it makes Princess Diana look like one of those bitches from Desperate Housewives. I mean, she’s basically the perfect woman.
Last but not least is her ability to wear just about anything and still make it look like the most amazing thing anyone has ever worn. Part of this is the power of the bum… but another part of it comes from deep within. It’s a glowing radiant confidence that Olivia always maintains, even when she’s wearing this:
Or even this:
Olivia Newton John is one of those rare humans that was perfectly placed into her time. She was everyone’s darling. She deserves to be immortal. Perhaps her bum isn’t quite as perfect as it was in her prime… but that’s ok. The most beautiful thing about ONJ’s bum is that it was impermanent. It makes it all the more special. Besides, we’ll always have this to remember it by:
Disclaimer #1: I was inspired to write this post by a few important people in my life. Firstly my good friend Craig MacNeil, who hosts a semi-weekly dance night at a local bar here in Boston called Videodrome. He plays awesome disco music and compiles video collages of various footage from films, TV shows, commercials, music videos and concert footage from times gone by. He has been a source of inspiration and information for me for a few years now and Boston is better with him in it. If you are ever in Boston you should go to Videodrome, most Saturdays at the Common Ground in Allston.
Disclaimer #2: I was also deeply inspired by my twin sister Emily who, after watching Craig’s latest video compilation post, said these words about Olivia… “Oh Olivia…I wouldn’t really be surprised if at some point it is revealed that you are really an angel sent to us from heaven to sooth our souls with your sweet voice and your awesome bum and your remarkable ability to wear headbands better than any real human ever could.” Without the influence of these two people, I may have just made another post about some sort of fashion disaster or person who annoys me. Now I’ve brought a little more joy into the world. I’d like to thank Olivia Newton John’s bum for this.